As even those of us who do not have the benefits of a classical education know, the word “nostalgia” derives from the Greek nostos (meaning, I gather, “return home”), and algos (meaning “pain”). The word could, I suppose, have been taken to mean the pain of returning home, for that can be painful also; but instead, it took on the meaning of “the pain of longing to return home” – that is, homesickness. Soon – I’m not sure when or why – it took on the meaning of longing to return to a home separated from us not by space, but by time; and implicit in this usage is the assumption that there had once been a time in which we had felt at home, or, more likely, in which we think we had felt at home, but which is now lost to us. And this time we usually locate in our childhood.
Wordsworth had, of course, idolised childhood: we come into this life, he said, “trailing clouds of glory”, from “God, who is our home”. As a child, we are aware of a “visionary gleam”, but as we grow older, “shades of the prison house” begin to close in upon us, and soon, that visionary gleam fades merely into “the light of common day”. I am not sure Wordsworth had intended these lines, magnificent as they are, to be taken quite literally, but if they are indeed intended as an image, we are left with the question of what they are an image of. Perhaps of nothing that may be pinned down explicitly. Perhaps there had been no “visionary gleam” to begin with; perhaps it is simply that, as we advance in years, we recognise all too well the light around us to be but the light of common day, and, dissatisfied with it being so, create in our minds an image of when it had, perhaps, been something more. Perhaps. But the creations of our own minds can be very potent nonetheless.
I couldn’t help but reflect on all this lately. We had spent the last weekend in Glasgow, to attend the ceremony at Glasgow University where our daughter was formally awarded a master’s degree. I had myself spent some ten years in Glasgow, between the ages of eleven and twenty-one – five years as a schoolboy, living with my parents in a suburb named Bishopbriggs, and another five years as a student (at the end of my school years, my parents moved down to England, and I moved into student accommodation in the centre of the city); and I hadn’t been back to Glasgow, apart from the very occasional and very brief visit, for nearly forty years now. And I decided this time to give way to my nostalgia. Ever since Lot’s wife was transformed into a pillar of salt we have been told never to look back, but I am now only some fifteen or so months away from turning sixty, and I think I am entitled to indulge myself in this luxury. So, last Sunday afternoon, wet and dreary, I took the bus from central Glasgow to Bishopbriggs, found out the house where we used to live, and again walked those steps that I used to walk daily – from our old house to where the high school, now demolished, used to stand. The last time I had walked those steps was, a quick mental calculation told me, over forty-two years ago.
It all seems strangely smaller now than I had remembered it. The walk to the school seemed much shorter, Crowhill Road seemed much less steep. It had all changed, certainly, but was still recognisable. Approaching my dotage these days, I had expected to be overwhelmed by emotions, but I wasn’t: the streets, the houses, were all solid enough, and I saw no ghostly doppelgänger of my younger self accompanying me on my walk. The sun did break out from behind the clouds now and then. If I were to write this as a bad novelist, I’d have described a rainbow forming. Actually, a rainbow did form, but there are times when simply mentioning a naturalistic detail can seem like ham-fisted symbolism. But now that I have mentioned it, it might as well stay.
And near the site of the school stood the old library, where I had spent many a happy hour. That day when, aged eleven, I walked out of the library with The Hound of the Baskervilles under my arm was, though I didn’t know it then, one of the most significant days in my life. Sadly, this time, it was Sunday afternoon, and the library was closed; but had it not been, I think I’d have wandered inside into the children’s section, just to see if they still had a copy of The Hound of the Baskervilles. They probably don’t: children aren’t expected to read books such as that nowadays.
Although I have lived at my current address for the greater part of my life, Bishopbriggs is still the place, and, more importantly, those years spent there still the time, that I tend to think of as “home”. For those five years I spent in Bishopbriggs were the years in which I grew from a child into an adult.
It was certainly in those years that I formed my literary tastes and standards. I have discovered many precious books and writers since those years too, of course, but what I discovered back then formed the base on which everything else now rests. From the public library, I discovered the Sherlock Holmes stories; but from other places – including our school library – I discovered ghost stories, creepy stories, eerie stories. It’s strange how it’s often the little things that remain most obstinately in our minds. One evening – I think I was about twelve or so – we had been invited to dinner by a young Bengali couple, both junior doctors, who were living inside the precincts of a hospital, in an old Victorian house that had been converted into small apartments for junior medical staff. And, while the adults conversed amongst themselves, I found a Sunday supplement, with a feature on the horror films of Vincent Price. I was not, at that age, allowed to watch these films, but they nonetheless held for me an inexplicable fascination. When I had been even younger, on late nights every Friday, Scottish television would broadcast a Hammer horror film, and I used avidly to read the synopses that used to appear in TV Times of those films I wasn’t allowed to watch. And on Monday mornings, I would seek out my friend Terence, whose parents did allow him to watch these films; indeed, we would seek each other out, as he was as keen to tell me about these films as I was to hear about them. And now, in the small flat of the Bengali couple who had invited us for dinner, that Sunday supplement feature on the films of Vincent Price really stirred my imagination. And I stared at the stills from those films that were reproduced: they summoned up for me a world that I longed to enter. I rolled the titles of these films around my tongue – House of Wax, House on the Haunted Hill, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Haunted Palace. As we left, I remember staring at the old Victorian house in which they lived, brightly lit by a very full moon, and it looked to me gorgeously spooky. After all these years, I carry around in my mind still that image of the spooky, moonlit Victorian house. Isn’t that strange?
In Glasgow, my parents found a Bengali community: this was something they had never enjoyed previously, and they took to it. I did not realise it at the time, but, by and large, the Bengalis there were quite a cultured lot. They would meet together often – either in hired halls, or in someone’s front room. At these gatherings, there was a schoolteacher with a lovely tenor voice, who sang Bengali folk songs; there was a lady who had won a gold medal from Visva-Bharati for her singing of Rabindrasangeet, and who could and really should have been a renowned professional singer; and my father, who, with his love of the theatre and of Bengali literature, would have loved nothing better than to have been on stage, but who had to settle merely for being a surgeon instead, recited poetry; and so on. Of course, as an eleven-year-old, all this meant very little to me. I managed eventually to convince my parents that I could stay at home on my own on those evenings when they had these Bengali gatherings. And so, there I was on Friday evenings, blissfully on my own, enjoying the Morecambe and Wise Show or The Two Ronnies on television, and absorbing for myself a quite different culture – one of which my Bengali parents were not aware.
On Friday evenings too, BBC2 had a series called, simply, World Cinema, in which they used to broadcast films past and present from around the world. And as I grew up, I started taking an interest in these. I saw my first Ingmar Bergman film here (The Hour of the Wolf); I remember seeing Kurosawa’s Ikiru. La Dolce Vita showed when I was about fourteen or so – i.e. when I had already entered puberty – and I was very disappointed, I remember, that, despite its immense length, the film featured not even the slightest flash of the nudity that the synopsis in Radio Times had seemed to promise.
But then, it was bedtime. Our house used to creak a lot. And in a cupboard adjoining my room, there was a water tank which gurgled a lot. And, what with my mind so full of ghostly stuff and horror, I was, frankly, frightened. I would not have admitted my fear to anyone for all the world, but every creak of the floorboards and every gurgle of the water pipes made me catch my breath. No point wanting your parents to be back, I remember telling myself, for what could even parents do against the supernatural? The door of my bedroom opened on to the top of the stairs, and I remember debating with myself whether or not I should keep that door open; for if it was open, I would be terrified at what might appear on the landing; but if I closed it, I would be terrified still more by the thought what might already be there. I never did resolve that dilemma.
The Bengali culture in which my parents were immersed didn’t really rub off on me. Not back in those days, at any rate. Firstly, the culture of the West I was picking up through television and through my friends at school seemed to my younger self far more exciting than the Rabindrasangeet and the Bengali folk songs they sang at their gatherings. And secondly, if Bengali culture really was as good as my parents and their friends made it out to be, I reasoned, why did I never hear of it in the outside world? I soon discovered the delights of serious literature. Shakespeare I was reading ever since we went to see King Lear at the Edinburgh Festival back in 1971, and, soon, as well as the Sherlock Holmes stories and the ghost stories, I was reading Dickens, Tolstoy, Gogol, Flaubert, and the various other writers arranged so neatly on the classics shelves of libraries and bookshops. And Bengali writers weren’t amongst them – not even Tagore, whom the entire community idolised, and who was, as I have said elsewhere, virtually an extra member of our family. And I decided then that this was but a provincial culture – something I needn’t really bother with. It wasn’t that I rejected it: it just didn’t seem to me anything too significant. Of course, in later years, I realised how much of this Bengali culture I had actually absorbed without realising it; and I realised also its immense value; I realised, indeed, how Bengali I really was. But at the time, I’d frankly rather be watching Vincent Price films, and listening to the pop music that all my friends listened to. (My discovery of Western classical music came only after I had left school.) And among the many aspects of Bengali culture – specifically, Tagorean culture – I think I had absorbed without knowing it was the openness to other cultures. While I was keenly taking in Western literature, I never felt, and, more importantly perhaps, was never made to feel, that I was absorbing something that wasn’t mine. “Whatever we understand and enjoy in human products instantly becomes ours, wherever they might have their origin,” Tagore once wrote in a letter to his friend C. F. Andrews. And, looking back, it was this generosity of spirit and openness of mind that informed the household in which I grew up. And I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I had been brought up to shun those twin evils of cultural insularity, and this recent nonsense that has sprung up that seemingly calls itself “cultural appropriation” – this “I shall not take on any other culture” on the one hand, and “no-one shall take anything of mine” on the other.
Throughout my school years, my father had been (for reasons I need not enter into here) a junior doctor; it was only when I left school and went to university did my father become consultant, and the family move down to England. But by then, my mind, such as it is, had already been formed: all that was to come was built upon the base that had been built in those few years I had spent in Bishopbriggs. All that I took in over those years – The Hound of the Baskervilles, King Lear, the Morecambe and Wise Show, Vincent Price films, ghost stories, War and Peace – they all became part of me. And all that I took in without realising – principally, I think, the Tagorean ethos of generosity and openness, and willingness to embrace, without rancour, without bitterness, whatever I felt I understood, no matter what their origin – became part of me too. And last Sunday, as I walked that once familiar and still familiar route from our old house to the site of Bishopbriggs High School, I couldn’t help but reflect on all of this. Now that I have fewer years to look forward to than I have years to look back on, it seemed time I started taking stock of it all.
I am not sure how to describe how I felt during my brief visit back to Bishopbriggs. I didn’t feel either particularly happy or particularly sad; neither richer nor poorer for it all. But I felt something. And I didn’t care if I did get transformed into a pillar of salt: I was glad I made that trip. Yes, there are many things in my past I could have wished different – of course there are. Regrets, yes, very much so, and more, much more, than just a few. But no, I don’t look back in anger. Nor in contentment either. I just know that, for whatever reason, I’m glad I revisited the place.